Putting myself on my list.

Ok, no big deal blogging. Here I go.

You guys.

I was so touched by all of your comments and texts and emails encouraging me to get this dusty blog up and running. I really, really, really did not expect that, so it really, really, really made my day last week!

Also, sharing what I did sparked a few really great conversations with friends this week, which was an added bonus. I mean, I was truly tickled that you guys read my blog and wanted to chat!

So, OK…..In one of those conversations that was sparked by my last post, I shared something like this with my girlfriend. It just came out as we were chatting, but I think it is worth sharing with you:

I feel like when I sort of glace over my shoulder at my life, I can see the different chapters of my life laid out. I can see how life event’s, closed or opened chapters. All of those chapters flow pretty gracefully together. As a group, the chapters make sense together. They build on each other and there are common threads and connections between them. For sure, some chapters were better than others. Some I’d love to go back to. Some I am glad they are in the past. But I just feel so aware that the chapter that I have recently been in has just a hard one, but there hasn’t been a big life event that would have made it obviously hard, so it has just been tough to put a finger on what was off, or what I needed to change. And I think from the outside looking in, things would look pretty great. But I have needed a change. A shift. And I think that maybe this little blog could offer the creative outlet that I really think I need.

Last summer, I had a series of little melt downs. I wouldn’t say it was a mid-life crisis, because it didn’t feel like a crisis, but it felt big and overwhelming. After a couple months of a bored Isla being at home for summer, and taking care of Esme who was about 15 months and the most energetic kids I have ever encountered, I felt like the walls of my house were slowly moving in on me. Every week it seemed like I bought a new baby gate for a new doorway, because I could not physically keep up with Esme. And when she went from two naps down to one, that was maybe melt down number one. Midway through summer, I desperately started signing Isla up for last minute camps, because she was missing structure, and routines and I just couldn’t quite give her all of the stimulation that she needed. Simply put I was so tired. I was exhausted. I was depleted. I was giving everyday to my girls, Greg, running the house, running MOHF, and awarding grants. In addition to my usual work load, I was involved in the planning stages of opening a restaurant. Plus, Greg was working full time at his “real” job, traveling and staying super busy as we both always are. So as the days passed, they just became too much. I mean, big time first-world sort of stress I suppose, but it was SO stressful and I was keely aware that something needed to change. There was just this hum of unhappiness in my days. And guilt on top of that, because I felt like I should be happy. Still, my life was busy, my schedule was full but my energy was low.

So I did something to change all of that. I started working with a life coach. Her name is Jill Keuth, and holy cow was that a great decision. Jill helped me get back on track. She has helped me to come up with a plan to sort of start the next chapter. One of the best outcomes of working with Jill has been seeing that this most recent chapter may be hard, but it will end and another will begin.

This is just the chapter where I’m wiping a little bottom and a little nose and seemingly every surface of the house, all day.  I’m holding a little hand every time I go up and down the stairs, wiping down a filthy highchair after every meal, and constantly picking up little toys. It is the chapter where a little someone is always on my lap, wiping her hands on my shirt, and demanding constant attention. This is also the chapter where my sweet little Isla is 7 all of the sudden.  Kind and thoughtful, but she has started to roll her eyes, is embarrassed by me, and she does not want to sit on my lap anymore. Both of my girls are in stages of figuring out their independence in entirely different sort of way and I suppose the irony is that I am trying to do the same thing. I am so fortunate to be able to stay at home with the girls, and work when I need to, but the way that I have been doing that for years just needs to change. I have been ready for a change, a shift. I’ve needed a different schedule, some new habits and a more intentional routine.

So, I am giving that a go. I’m mixing things up. I’ve rearranged some priorities. I’m making a shift. I’m going to make sure that I am going to be on the list of people that I take care of.  I’m dreaming about how I want this next chapter to unfold and I have to say, that hum is gone, my energy is up, and as I sit here pecking away at the computer I have a smile on my face.

XO, Becky

My brilliant revelation

You know how sometimes you are talking to someone and they share a big idea that they have had, and they are so proud and energized with this new discovery and you are like, “Well, yeah….” And you are wondering what took them so long to see what was so obvious? So I recently had what feels to be a huge revelation, but I am thinking you might scratch your head at the end of this and wonder why it took so long for me to get here.

Here is the thing. I have been struggling with this for years. This has been my biggest dilemma with this blog. I have wanted to write and share and reach out, but there have been a few big things holding me back.

One has been this story that I have told myself and I have believed that no one really wants to hear what is happening in my life and in my head. I have looked at my grief in an “Eww, yuck” sort of way, and have been convinced that everyone else would too.

Another part has been this other story that has been circulating through my head that if I blog or if I am writing I should have some concrete message, I should have it all figured out, and I should be some sort of expert on whatever it is that I am talking about. And for sure, 100%, without a doubt, I just feel like I have very little figured out for sure in my life.

So the big revelation has been that maybe I can just write. I can tell some stories. They don’t all have to be huge stories. They don’t all have to be mind blowing, change-your-life sort of stories. Maybe I can just put myself out there and share whatever it is that I want to share that day, and maybe that is enough. I don’t have to have answers, or solutions or offer a road map about getting to a better place in life. Maybe I can just tell my story. And maybe someone will want to listen.

I recently shared this with a girlfriend of mine. I prompted the conversation with the fact that I had this huge revelation but then after sharing, she was just looking at me as if she were waiting for the big reveal. She was sort of like, “What? That’s it? You have been worrying about this for years?” And then she said something like, “Well, yeah…..and, please start blogging again!”

So here, it is. I'm kicking off my no big deal sort of blogging…